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EIGHT LEGS TO LOVE YOU
a.k.a. Mari-Cookie and the Killer TarantulaWritten and Directed by Jess Franco
Produced by Kevin Collins, Peter J. Evanko, and Hugh Gallagher
Director of Photography - Raquel CabraSheriff Marga - Michelle Bauer
Linnea Quigly - Amber Newman's Mom
Tarantula - Lina Romay
Amber Newman - Linnea Quigly's DaughterI guess I should have told all the distributors about my severe hatred for Jess Franco films. The man couldn't direct his way through an open door if Rand McNally himself were leading the way. The only thing positive I can say about the guy is he has a real talent for taking beautiful women, like the gorgeous Amber Newman, and making them look dirty and rotten, like they've spent the night flat on their backs breaking the world gang-bang record. I mean seriously, can you imagine the work it must take to make someone like Amber Newman come across like the last thing she saw was Ron Jeremy's nasty gut pounding away at her backside? Trust me boys, that's no easy feat. Amber Newman is as breathtaking as they come. If you doubt me, check out PLEASURECRAFT from Surrender Cinema or VAMPS: DEADLY DREAMGIRLS available from Alternative Cinema and B+ Productions.
The question that's been bugging me ever since viewing this movie is why the heck does Franco have the following he does? It surely isn't because he's a great filmmaker. Is it because he has such a long list of credits? You can throw piece-of-shit movies at the audience all day long and at the end of the day all you have to show is a heaping pile of shit called a resume with a stench so strong you can knock 'em over a mile away.
No, I don't like Franco films. Never have, never will. But I owe it to Sub Rosa to tell you about this one. Franco's wife, Lina Romay spends a great deal of time naked with a naked Michelle Bauer (looking just as toned as she did 15 years ago) and a naked Amber Newman. Lina Romay pulls double duty, as Queen, an erotic dancer, and also Tarantula, some mutant beast born after an everyday, average little old tarantula dropped it's eggs in the vagina of some gal who didn't close her legs after having sex.
(Hey guys, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just giving you the skinny)
400 years later Tarantula is spinning her web all over Spain and snaring all sorts of dumb locals. "Why," you ask? How the hell should I know? This is a Franco flick!
Back at the Tarantula Cave, our gal has the locals drugged up and singing folk songs. Holy what-the-f*ck, Batman! Oh, and don't get me started on the octagonal kaleidoscope lens Franco shoots these weird drug scenes with, either.
Sheriff Marga is the kind of cop who wears only bikini bottoms and a leather jacket (you know, the kind of cop you'll only find in a Franco-flick). She may have been packing a side-arm too, but I wasn't looking at her hips. It's been a long time since I've seen Michelle Bauer looking so buff and toned. Too bad her beauty is wasted in this flick...
(Don't worry guys, only a few paragraphs left. If I could put the razor blades down, so can you.)
Sheriff Marga has a serious yen for solving the kidnappings and her honking boobies are gonna point the way straight to the kidnapper. If only that lesbian subtext didn't get in the way and distract her.
I will give Franco some credit. His musical score is fantastic; it's dreamy and hypnotic. The sound is mesh of mod psychedelia and some sort of Indian belly dancer's theme. Very weird and very cool. At times I found myself closing my eyes and just listening the music play. If there were a soundtrack made available, I wouldn't think twice about buying it. Too bad I can't say the same for the movie self.
Franco fans won't be disappointed. All the famous Franco trademarks are there. Sex, drugs, drug-induced plot (standing in for an actual plot), his naked wife (who should have started keeping her cloths on about 20 years back), and all the weirdness you can cram into David Lynch's shadow.
On a side note, if you distributors truly love me, please don't send any Franco flicks. I can tell you right now, it won't get a kind review. Besides, I locked away the razor blades. I'll have to just use my fingers to claw my eyes out.
DVD Review
I'm amazed at the time and energy Sub Rosa put into producing the DVD for Jess Franco's EIGHT LEGS TO LOVE YOU. I still don't care for the movie any more than I did before, but there's so much going with the menus alone that the viewing experience starts to becomes fun; it's like a trip through a giant perverted cartoon.
The DVD boasts both the U.S. and the European cuts of the movie. As far as I can tell, each version is the exact same Bizarro World trip down psychidelic sexuality. Half the cast is American and this Spanish-lensed production is already in English to begin with so there's no difference in the language tracks. The sex and nudity is pretty damned explicit and nothing seems cut from either version. In fact, the only thing I can think of that differs might be the VHS box art, changed only to sell two copies of the same movie to Franco completests.
From the moment the disc enters your player, the viewing experience begins. Up doesn't pop the usual FBI warning, instead is a warning from The Killer Tarantula. From there things get really weird. The next two minutes you are treated to a series of quotes from the cast where images of the speakers have been animated in a Terrence and Phillip-like fashion where the top of their heads bob up and down to mouth the dialogue. This just goes on and on, and the more it does, the more surreal it becomes.
The special features boast a number of extras putting other recent genre efforts to shame. There's a Franco trailer vault, a preview of upcoming Sub Rosa DVD's, a series of production stills, web links, and cast and crew filmographies. There's also an Easter Egg masquerading as a bouncing ball sing along.
As a bonus, Sub Rosa has included a Spanish short film titled "Les Psycholettes." This underground effort is Spanish language only, and there's no subtitle track I could find, but you don't need ques to follow the action. Militant, biker lesbians ride the roads cutting the manhood's off wayward men stranded along the highway. One of the ladies even wears a collection of shafts and balls around her neck similar to a Vietnam Vet's chain of ears. These ladies aren't as free as they would like to believe they are as the fascist miliary traces their every move in an effort to bring them to justice. I don't share the extreme political views of the filmmakers, but it sure makes for interesting viewing.
The most notable extra, as far as I'm concerned, is the inclusion of a track isolating the score of the movie. When I originally reviewed the VHS tape in 2001, the soundtrack was by far and way the movie's most exciting element. In fact, I have the isolated score playing in the background as I type and just can't get over the catchy nature of the middle eastern sound. I would still love to buy the music as a separate CD, but can live happily with the interrupted nature of this DVD audio track.
As far as Franco and Lennea Quigley fans will be concerned, the most notable extra is the inclusion of some behind-the-scenes footage that comes with nude Lennea commentary. I felt kind of sleazy just watching the naked Lennea sitting in the buff recounting anecdotes, but made it through for the sake of art. I mean, if she didn't mind, why should I?
The fact the movie was a tongue-in-cheek comedy didn't escape me during my initial viewing. I've gotten a number of e-mails asking the same question, how could I not like this movie. To put it simply I just don't share Franco's sense of humor. For that matter, of the 3 or 4 Franco movies I've screened, I've yet to come across one I like. Some call this movie "silly fun", and if they can enjoy it, more power to them. I received much more satisfaction going through the DVD than I did the movie itself. The disc matches the saucy lunacy of the movie, but presents the material in a much more entertaining fashion.
The one disappointment was the lack of a running director or cast commentary. I would have killed to hear Franco justify showing off his wife's privates to the world. I think Lina Romey is almost as old as my grandmother. Perhaps a commentary by U.S. Franco enthusiasts would have helped me see whatever it is that I'm missing in the gentleman's work.
I'm not sure if it's possible to recommend a DVD without liking the movie, but if it is, I would like to do so with EIGHT LEGS TO LOVE YOU. If you've never tried Franco, this might be his most accessible movie in recent years. The damn fine presentation should be icing on the cake to those already under Franco's spell. As far as I know, this is his first special edition disc released in the States.