RED SILK

Produced by Tommy Chase, Sol Clink, and Casey Yip Directed and Written by Jess Franco Gina - Lina Romay Tina - Christie Levan Kalman - Paul Lapidus Senora Kalman - Anna Stern Inspector - Ron Franciscus The dvd boxquote reads "absolutely hilarious," and is credited to someone on IMDb.com/. What's absolutely hilarious is that an out-of-context quote from Joe Average in London, UK is suppossed to entice people into buying the latest Jess Franco stinker from Sub Rosa Studios.

Just how bad is RED SILK, you ask? If Jess Franco were Baskin-Robins, RED SILK would be 31 flavors of rotten ass.

Butt Coffee and Cream
Chunky Plunky
Elvis on the Pot
Turdhuggers Paradise
Pinched Loaf of Gerry Garcia
Fe-Cal (no carbs)
Whole Lot of Tummy Rumbling Go'in On
Phlush Food
Neocrapolitan
Dookies and Cream
Pick'n Corn
Diarrilla
Bowel Full of Cherries
Chocolatte Express
Hershey Surprise
Flush Mush
Mint Colonic Chip
Colonic Chip Dookie Dough
New York Subway Fudge
Peanut Butt and Colonic
Pistassio Almond
Lemon Cus-turd
Bumm Raisen
Rainbow Shitbert
Mexican Sendoff
Skidmark (think Rocky Road, but with corn)
Frozen Orange Crudsturd
Green Apple Splatberry
Butter Pecrap
Maird (tastes just like it sounds)

and last, but not least, a Strawberry Sorbet Poopcicle

Yeah, RED SILK is something like that. A whole lot'a crap. And anyone who has read my reviews for anything length of time knows that's a word I don't often use, "crap." I hate the way it rolls out of one's mouth, it comes across more vulgar-sounding than "shit." Considering that I get a few letters every now and then from some of you who feel cheated when they purchase something at my suggestion, something I enjoyed immensely that you guys always refer to as "crap," then for me to call something "crap," RED SILK must really be a stinker.

This isn't even one of those so bad it's good movies. Just painful torture that I can only imagine was created for repeated forced viewing for those condemned to the seventh level of hell - think A CLOCKWORK ORANGE only with pitchforks in your ass. .

Now that I've built it up for you guys, here's the skinny just so you cats can't say I didn't try on this one (and for what it's worth, those poo-icecream names took some effort).

I can't tell you the plot, not that I wouldn't mind ruining it for you, it's that I couldn't figure it out. The dialogue was so terribly mixed and dubbed that I couldn't follow what was transpiring. Not that one really needs to, mind you, there's so much nudity and sleaze in this movie that even the most jaded exploitation fan will end up sporting an Oregon Redwood.

Okay, that last part's a lie. Not the nudity, but the Redwood bit.

The movie opens with Lina Romay sunbathing nude. Now, this isn't the Lina of her youth, the woman to whom so many fans of European horror have dreamed and fantasized about after her numerous lesbian vampire work. No, this is the Lina of today, a middle-aged woman who past her peak a decade or two back. I applaud her willingness to continue to show off her body when so many people today want to condemn older women and make them feel inferior because of their aging bodies and sagging breasts (like I'm about to do). It reflects positively on her attitude as a woman and her self-esteem as she enters the final maturity of her post-middle aged lifestyle. But like 99.99% of men in America, I don't want to see it. I like my women new, not rode hard and put away wet.

After this extended nude scene we're greeted to more nudity....and it's equally as unwanted as the first time around. I think we learn that the Lina's character Gina and her partner Tina are detectives of some sort. They visit a prospective client who first waits for the girls, then meets with them, naked.

His penis is so small it made ME embarrassed...for my entire gender.

To convince Small Balls to hire them, the girls roll around on his floor, naked of course. And I mean they literally roll around. It's hear that we learn exactly how far Franco is willing to torture viewers. He lets the camera rest and linger on his wife's (Romay) labia. Apparently this act convinces Small Balls to hire the girls who promptly commit the worst, most un-erotic threesome ever put to videotape.

If you listen closely to this scene, the only thing you can make out is that Franco is the voice of Small Balls. And again, I need to point out how terrible the dubbing is here. Sub Rosa should have given the movie a new soundtrack. This disc really is an insult to all cult cinema fans.

Now this is where the movie gets weird. Franco inserts ransom shots of his wife fingering an ass, spanking Tina, and licking a dildo. The scene comes quickly out of the blue, literally...the edges of the screen are fogged blue for no reason. it isn't until later that we learn that these and subsequent blue inserts are part of Gina and Tina's live sex show. With sex performances this vomitous, it's easy to see why the girls are forced to moonlight as P.I.'s.

Next, the girls double cross Small Balls, I think. there's a cop, and I'm pretty sure Small Balls gets arrested, but some subtitles would have helped. Actually, competent filmmaking would have helped. The story is bad, the videography looks like it was done by a third grader with a picture phone, and the sound is horrible. With three big strikes, and 40 minutes of my life ruthlessly stolen, this next statement should come as no shock - I turned the movie off.

If a distributor can't respect the viewer enough to produce an intelligible product, I shouldn't have to respect them, or the filmmakers, enough to endure their work of fart (yes, bad pun intended). There was no way I was going to find something enjoyable about this movie anyway, so why put myself through that seventh level of hell? I just don't care. I really just don't care.

Seriously, my nuts aren't Franco's personal punching bags, so why should I subject myself to further garbage. I appreciate you, dear readers, but I don't know you. And this is one hit I refuse to take for the team.

Other than an extended preview of Sub Rosa's next Franco release, SNAKEWOMAN, there really aren't any features worth mentioning.

"Absolutely hilarious," what a joke....

Sub Rosa

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