SCARY TALES

Directed, Edited, and Photographed by Michael A. Hoffman
Produced and Written by Michael A. Hoffman and Bill Cassinelli

Dennis Frye - Bill Cassinelli
Mr. Longfellow - Joel Wynkoop
Jamie - Lindsay Horgan
Annabelle - Thorin Taylor Hannah

I'll take any chance to watch Joel Wynkoop chew the hell out of the scenery. It's something I've gone on record and stated time and time again in almost every review I've written for one of his films, and it's something I'll keep throwing out there until my dying day, the man is just that fun to watch. No matter how bad a movie is, Wynkoop looks like he's having the time of his life.

SCAREY TALES isn't an exception either; Wynkoop hits this acting gig with more pork than a hog farmer. This time out he's pulling Crypt Keeper duties in the wraparound segment of an anthology from Michael A. Hoffman and Joel's very own DIRTY COP partner-in-crime Bill Cassinelli. The biggest downside to SCAREY TALES is that Wynkoop isn't the star, those acting chores belong to Cassinelli, whose role as the unemployed Dennis Frye factors into all the segments.

As Mr. Longfellow, Wynkoop plays the owner of a job placement service. Upon interviewing Cassinelli's Frye, Longfellow begins to describe various job positions, turning each description into a warped tale of the macabre with Frye at the center of each.

First up is "Hit and Run", a reworking of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Tell Tale Heart." As Wynkoop tells the story, Frye is the careless perpetrator of a vehicular homicide. Not one to leave so much as his insurance information at the scene, Frye makes a beeline to his home after running over a five year old and her dolly. Like the non-stop beating in Poe's "Heart", Frye finds the little girl's dolly wherever his goes. From the shower in the morning to his ride in to work, Frye just can't shake the thing.

Of all the segments, this one is my favorite. The juxtaposition of the depressing subject matter of a child's murder with the satirical comedy of a re-appearing ghost-doll is keenly metaphorical. Guilt comes in all forms, but can only get to us if we let it.

The next up is "I Ain't Got No Body". This time out Longfellow tells Frye about an available clerk position at a local bookstore. In the Longfellow tradition, the job detail becomes a story about obsession and astral projection. As the subject of Longfellow's tale, Frye is infatuated with store patron Jamie, a soul-sucking guttersnipe who will tenderize your heart with the heel of her stilettos before she eats the damn thing with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti. Having reached his end, Frye comes across a book on astral projection and decides to implant subliminal messages in Jamie forcing her to love him. Too bad that this time out Frye is a dumb sonofabitch.

The weakest of the bunch in terms of subject matter, it's also the most fun. Cassinelli is hysterical as a poor loser who will go to any length to win the woman of his dreams. As Jamie, Lindsay Horgan is delightful as the girl who loves to help Frye build those dreams only to find reward in shattering their glass foundations.

Finally up is "The Death Of…" Longfellow has Frye as a screenwriter who can't sell a screenplay because, well, they all suck ass. Frustrated by life, Frye turns to booze and drugs for inspiration, just like his hero, Edgar Allan Poe. Frye almost wets himself when Poe shows up to offer pointers, or maybe it's just because the alcohol in his bladder weakened his self-control...

"The Death Of…" owes more to O'Henry than it does Poe. Murder and despair take a back seat to irony. While the other stories have more in the way of the fun department, "The Death Of…" excels at characterization (historical inaccuracies regarding Poe aside). Even the ghost of Poe is fleshed out into the third dimension.

All three stories are founded in the Poe tradition of lost love. I haven't read enough of the man's work to note if all three segments are direct re-workings, or if just the first segment is borrowed material. Either way, the stories themselves are honest "what if?" scenarios. As they are, the shorts could have used some more pepper to liven them up. Open opportunities for some real exploitation materializes, but they are never followed through.

Cassinelli is no Joel Wynkoop. Thank goodness. The screen presence might be lacking, but then again, so is Wynkoop's broad overacting style. Cassinelli isn't winning any Oscars, but he's able to bring humanity to the much put-upon Frye. It's easy to see why the character can't find a job in the first place; he's so passive that people enjoy walking all over him.

As for Wynkoop, all I have to say is "please bless mommy and daddy, and may Joel Wynkoop do DIRTY COP 3. Amen."

Twisted Illusions