VAMPIRES OF SORORITY ROW: KICKBOXERS FROM HELL

Directed by Dennis Devine and Kathryn Glass
Produced by Steve Jarvis
Written by Dennis Devine

Cindy - Kathryn Glass
Denise - Christine Lydon
Kathryn Rogers
Tatiana Turan

VAMPIRES OF SORORITY ROW is a movie that would have played wonderfully on that old USA Channel program, Up All Night. Rhonda Shear would have loved it. You've got dumb sorority girls running around in leather lingerie for 80 minutes. What more could you ask for?

For starter, how about the full monty? This is one reviewer that doesn't like being teased. If you are going to dangle the treat before my eyes, you better be prepared to cough it up when the time comes. When doing exploitation, the filmmaker better exploit.

And when making a comedy, it had better be funny. While this movie might be short on boobs, it's not short on laughs. This film depicts sorority girls just as I remember them, dumb as rocks. I've seen burnt out light bulbs that shine brighter than these gals.

The only girl with more than half a brain is a new sorority pledge named Cindy. Young Cindy happens to be a trailer park refugee. When she realized she couldn't stand the bloodsuckers in the double-wide next door, she packed up and moved to Beverly…er…I mean college. Once there, Cindy realizes she's even worse off than before. Not only are there vampires at college, but there are also braindead, blonde leaches draining what little mental capacity she had to begin with.

Cindy shows up at the height of pledge week, when hazing is at it's peak. For Cindy and her fellow pledges to be accepted, the girls must endure humiliation after humiliation. Each abasement earns the girls pledge points, the more degrading the prank, the more points the girls receive. Once they reach 100 pledge points they earn the right to join. The results are loads of whoopee cushion gags, pie-in-the-face humor, and girl-girl spankings. You know…everything trailer trash like myself could ever want in a movie.

Most of the Sisters can't tell the difference between the vampire attacks and the hazing. Maybe the girls figure a fang in the ass will earn them more pledge points. This whole concept was a little vague, or maybe I was just distracted by the leather-clad blondes and missed something. The Vamps kept muttering something about butts being juicier than the neck, maybe that was it. All I know is that I kept getting denied lesbo action when it looked like it was coming.

In case you haven't caught on, there isn't a real plot to this one. It's very low concept and applies to the lowest common denominator, just like Adam Sandler. As I watched I was reminded of the later seasons of Married with Children. While I had seen the jokes a thousand times before and knew exactly when they were coming, I would still laugh at the payoff. The same can be said for The Three Stooges. The repetition in the humor becomes familiar and eventually comfortable. For lack of a better term, the humor becomes safe.

That's the real problem with VAMPIRES OF SORORITY ROW, the humor is safe. It should have an edge. It should have more bite, no pun intended. This movie is funny, damn funny, but it could have been better. The box brags that it was shot in four days. An extra day of writing before production might have given the film some teeth (I swear they aren't intentional).

Don't worry, if this film is safe enough for Rhonda Shear and basic cable, then it's definitely safe for you to spend your money on. Check it out. It's great, goofy fun.

You can order VAMPIRES OF SORORITY ROW directly from the Unknown Productions website for $24.95.
www.unknownproductions.com