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VAMPIRE CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRLS FROM HELL
Written, directed, produced by Chuck Hart
Edited by Clark Corn
Director of Photography - C.C. JonesCandice - Chrissy Mountjoy
Catholic Schoolgirl - Ivanna Richmond
Erotic Vampire - Chyenne Autumn
Cheerleader - Leslie CultonMOTHERF***ER!
I truly hate being ripped off!
You would be better off rolling your cash into a joint and puffing away rather than spending it on the $12 cost of this VCD. VAMPIRE CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRLS FROM HELL is not just an insult to lovers of b-movies, it is not just an insult to lovers of soft-core, it is an insult to the very medium of video! Watching it I knew what the Egyptians felt as Moses unleashed the 12 Plagues.
The end credits mutter something about thanking the buyers of this "jerk flick". To anyone who is even possesses the slightest inkling of purchasing VCSGFH I want to warn you that there isn't anything is this movie worth jerking to. There's barely a money shot in sight, let alone anything slightly erotic. In an effort to save you some time and money, here's the play by play:
1 - Chrissy Mountjoy spouts the most insipid banter I've ever been subject to for a good 5 minutes. Having my ass hairs pulled out one by one has to be less painful.
2 - Leslie Culton fakes masturbation before Lilith Stabs shows up to spank her ass with a paddle. If you want to see Leslie's boobs, go to HotMovies2000.com and see them for free.
3 - Five more minutes of Chrissy boring the shit out of me on the phone. Another minute and I would have started looking for the razor blades.
4 - Five minutes of some light-haired stripper I've never seen walking to her hotel.
5 - The same stripper gets naked and fakes masturbation (but not as well as Leslie Culton).
6 - The first money shot in the entire wretched mess. Too bad it's hidden behind the poor quality of the VCD. .
7 - Ten minutes of Chrissy walking around her apartment talking on the phone and doing absolutely nothing. I spent the time looking for those damn razor blades, but all I could find were disposables.
8 - 2 minutes of money shots from some dark-haired stipper I've never seen before.
9 - Chrissy Mountyjoy with the worst set of fake plastic vampire teeth I"ve ever seen. For what it's worth, it's pretty damn hard to get those disposables to do any damage to your wrists. Although, if only there had been another minute or two of phone chat I'm sure my head would have exploded saving me the trouble of going to town on my poor wrists in the first place.
Yes, that is the entire movie, if it can be called one. 40 pounds of implants aside, what the viewers have is not a pretty sight.. My 10 year old nephew could put together less sloppy work with his Fisher Price Pixelvision peeping through his neighbor's window. My uncle Ralph could put together a less shaky production after downing 2 12-packs at the family reunion. My goddamned retarded cousin could put together a more entertaining project is he taped himself on the shitter all day.
Just thinking about this thing makes me angry!
Oh, and if you want to see Chrissy naked you better do a search on the internet because it isn't happening here. Her name is plastered all over the disc but there's not so much as a tit shot to be found anywhere. Fans should be pissed at the fact she's trying to push this on you with the notion that she's the star performer.
If you've already purchased this movie I hope you feel like a sucker, because you've been treated as one by the people who put this thing out. While my anger might seem directed at the producers of this poor excuse for dreck, I assure you it's directed more at myself for falling prey to the merchandising. To think that paid money for this one willingly makes me hold my head low in shame. From this day forth, if the tape isn't currently in my collection or submitted expressly for review, I will not spend either my time or money. VCSGFH is so bad that it has almost turned me against the b-movie industry as a whole for good.
The last movie to get me this upset was titled BANGERS, as in ZOMBIE NINJA GANGBANGERS. As vile and misguided as that movie was, its intentions are lightyears above and beyond VCSGFH. I whole heartedly believe those moviemakers were trying to put together a legitimate project but failed due to a serious lack of taste. VCSGFH was made with the express purpose of milking YOU for your hard earned cash which would be better spent on a barbwire enema. The fact that the filmmakers here have a serious lack of taste isn't even worth mentioning (but I just had to anyway).
And to think, I tried to sell Max Cerchi on the exact same title almost 2 years ago. Just think, there could be some other poor schmuck writing the same thing about my project right now.
Thank you Max Cerchi. Thank you for telling me "no." Thank you for saving me the embarrassment of having my name attached to anything that could have turned out even half as bad as this. Thank you my friend.